


The Symptoms of Love

by BurntGayPotato



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Author regrets nothing, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bullying, Cyber Bullying, Drawing as Coping, Evan-I’m-Sorry-Hansen, Falling In Love, Gay Distress, Homophobic Language, I can’t write him nice I’ve tried, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Larry Murphy is a Bitch, M/M, More tags to be added, Nervous Rambling, Oblivious Evan, Panic Attacks, Sneaking In, Sneaking Out, Staring, Swearing, Vandalism/Graffiti, and not the artsy kind, hEERE WE GO AGAIN, he always is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-07-31 10:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20113897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurntGayPotato/pseuds/BurntGayPotato
Summary: Connor Murphy has been doing not so well lately. Someone found his email, and practically nonexistent Tumblr and gave it to virtually the whole school. Now subject to cyber bullying that horrible doesn’t even begin to describe, Connor is in a rough spot. He reaches out to the one person he trusts with his emotions, his best (and virtually only) friend Evan Hansen. Soon enough, Evan is teaching him more helpful coping strategies than self-harm, and their bond is closer than ever. Almost too close for just friendship... and Connor finds himself falling in love.





	1. Love of Physical Contact

**Author's Note:**

> oHKAY HEERE WE GO AGAIN. I REGRET NOTHING. CONNOR DESERVES BETTER.  
Basically I was going to do this a long time ago but couldn’t get off my lazy ass to do it. I worked way too hard on the summary and it still sucks.  
I’m not projecting a little with the nails and marker thing you are.  
Make sure you know what’s coming in this chapter:  
Homophobia/Homophobic language  
Cyber bullying. Major ass cyber bullying.
> 
> Be safe with triggers and enjoy the first chapter ε>

Connor’s arms itched. He dug his black-painted nails into the scarred skin, leaving behind crescent shaped marks.

His mind roared with thoughts as he replayed the events of the last half hour.

Finding the driveway spray painted, bright red insults glaring up at him. Freak, dickhead, fag...

Then, as if that wound didn’t sting enough, Larry emerged from the house to rub some salt in it.

According to him, Connor was A) everything that the graffiti implied, B) going to clean this up before school, and C) damn lucky to still have a place to sleep and people who put up with his shit.

So, with that happy cloud hanging above his head, Connor bolted up the stairs to try and get lost on his phone.

When someone says ‘get lost down a rabbit hole’ or ‘lost on the internet’, the first thing Connor usually thinks is Tumblr. So there he was, opening to the dash of his virtually untouched blog, when he found that despite his  _one (1) single _post ,

He had a fuckton of messages.

Like,

_A fuckton_.

He opened the first, and realized that someone at school must’ve found and shared his URL.

The first message read:

**Anonymous asked: wait, u still alive?**

The second:

**Anonymous asked: why r u still alive?**

The third:

**Anonymous asked: why don’t u go kill yourself**

After a few more, it was clearly safe to assume they were all like that. Connor closed out of the Tumblr app (that the website bullied him into downloading), and shakily opened his email. 

That was full of hate too.

He checked his texts, only half aware of the movements his fingers made. Thankfully, his phone number hadn’t been leaked. Before he really realized it, Connor was texting Evan. He didn’t want to worry his already anxious friend, (which the texts most definitely would), but Evan was the only person he felt he could trust right then.

He sent three short texts,

**Connor: Ev.**

**Connor: come over.**

**Connor: plz.**

And got one in return.

**Treeboi: On my way.**

He then tossed his phone onto the carpet, not really caring about how it landed, and sat down on his unmade bed. He pulled his legs to his chest and rested his chin on the knees of his torn black jeans, and waited.

Connor was startled back into the present time by a knock on his window. He scurried to open it, and helped a very concerned-looking Evan Hansen into his messy bedroom.

“H-hey. Got your m-message.” Evan stammered. “I saw the driveway. It’s-it’s awful. O-of course, you already knew that. I just thought-sorry.”

Connor shook his head, causing his brown locks to fly around his shoulders, as they weren’t currently held back in a bun.

“Don’t apologize.”

“Sorry.” The blond whispered before he could stop himself. 

The taller boy sat back on the bed and motioned for Evan to do the same.

“S-so... what... what’s going on?” 

“Besides my driveway’s new ink job?” Connor crossed his arms over his stomach. “My email and minuscule Tumblrhave been released into the media-hungry shark tank of high schoolers, and there’s this bitch named anonymous who hates my guts.” 

Connor’s breathing quickened, and his head pounded.

“I just can’t take it anymore, Ev.”

A few moments slipped by in silence before Evan suddenly spoke up.

“Connor. Connor  _stop_ . You’re going to hurt yourself!”

The brunet realized he had been digging his nails into his arms again. He stopped when his short friend shoved a purple marker into his hand. Connor looked up at him, confused. 

“Draw.” Evan commanded. “Where you feel like... where you feel like cutting.” To show what he meant, the blond doodled a happy face near the nail marks on Connor’s arm. He continued to make little purple drawings on Connor’s skin before handing the marker to the scarred boy. 

In order to do so however, Evan had to remove the hand that was gripping Connor’s arm to steady it.

And the brunet found that as soon as it was gone, he missed the warmth that the physical contact provided.

The boys continued to work through the rough parts of the light until just before Evan’s 10 pm curfew.

As the blond made his way back out the window, Connor resisted he he’d to ‘accidentally’ brush against him just to feel the comforting warmth again. But friends don’t do that. 

And Connor didn’t realize at the time, but he’d just experienced his first symptom of love.


	2. Excessive Staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gay Distress™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter where Connor begins to realize what’s happening, and goes through the Gay Distress™ 
> 
> My depressed ass is having trouble with posting schedules so sorry for being so slow

Connor didn’t mean to stare

Okay, well, he kind of did.

It’s just that he kept seeing these cute little details about Evan that he hadn’t noticed before. Like the light freckles that decorated his round cheeks to the brindle of his nose.

The teen quickly looked away and tried to focus on his tray. Jee, how did the school call this stuff food.

As he picked through the mound on his plate for edible bits, Connor snuck another glance at Evan.

The way the harsh white light made his hair look lighter than it really was.

Nope, he told himself, focus on the mystery lump.

The color was almost strawberry blond...

FOCUS. ON. TRAY.

Evan has these really nice, full lips.

Connor startled himself with that thought. Friends don’t go around thinking that about each other. It’s not like they kissed each other anyways!

Though, come to think of it, Connor wouldn’t mind kissing him. 

He risked another glance and caught the blond staring at the brunet for a change. They both hurriedly looked away, and Connor got up quickly to go to the bathroom so he could have his gay distress in private.

-

The lanky teen now stood in a stall, panicking.

What WAS all this?!

Sure, he already knew he was gay, that much is obvious but...

Was he seriously falling in love with his best friend?!!

His  _straight_ best friend?!

Thats like, the biggest rule of gayness.

Do NOT go falling in love with your straight best friend.

It doesn’t end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, Gay Distress™
> 
> (Edit)  
Me in a falsely cheerful voice: I have zero motivation! So this isn’t getting updated much! I am so sorry! :D


	3. Always Wanting to Hear Their Laughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOme gayness and a minor panic attack will follow.

“Hey, Ev, did you ever get to that homework for Mr. Theodor’s class?” Connor asked from where he sat on Evan’s bedroom floor, helping shuffle through old notes.

“Hmm?” Evan hummed, paging through a composition notebook decorated with dozens of tree stickers. “If you mean the, um, the exoskeleton diagram due tomorrow then yes.” He paused on a page and squinted at its contents. “Do you think we’ll need to know the ‘five largest snakes of the world’ list for the quiz?”

“Nah, that’s just for fun fact purposes.” Connor replied, tossing aside a dog-eared sheet of loose leaf. “And no, I was talking about the extra stuff.”

Evan stared at the brunet like a confused puppy. 

“Extra... homework?”

“The one on trees?” Connor prompted.

You could literally watch Evan’s face and see exactly what he was thinking as realization dawned on him, and the notebook he held dropped along with his jaw.

“Shit.” He whispered, panic creeping into his eyes. “Shit shit shit shit.”

“Your language is stinking up the whole damn house, Hansen.” Connor said, raising his eyebrows. 

“Mr. Theodor is gonna hate me.” Evan fretted. “I  _never_ forget about assignments  _completely_ !”

“Aw, fuck.” Connor muttered. “I’m so sorry Evan, I didn’t mean to make you worry. I’m certain things will turn out okay.”

“But how can you be sure?!” The blond squeaked, full-on panicking. “What if he calls me out in front of everyone?! What if I get a bad rep from that and all the other teachers stop trusting me?! What if Mr. Theodor fails me and I get held back?! My mom can’t afford another year of high school with the price of the supplies and everything! I can’t become a botanist if I drop out! They’ll all think I’m not good enough!” 

“Evan! It’s gonna be okay, calm down!”

“What if kids peg me as embarrassing and try to get me to leave?! What if we have to change schools and none of them let me in?!” 

“Calm down! Take a breath!” Connor placed a firm hand on Evan’s shoulder. “The homework was optional. You never had to take it anyways. What’s the honest worst that could happen?” 

Evan’s cheeks turned pink. “I could have to move and never see you again.” 

Connor’s heart leapt into his throat, and he found himself momentarily unable to speak.

He coughed one, twice, and replied somewhat hoarsely.

“That, um, won’t happen. I won’t let it.” Evan glanced up, locking eyes with Connor.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I’ll just hide you in my closet forever.” The brunet teased, causing the smaller to giggle.

Connor could listen to that laugh forever. Somewhere, in a corner of his brain, he realized that he was probably falling deeper in love, but Connor didn’t give two fucks what the corner of his brain thought.

The rest of him wanted to be with Evan right now.

“Forever is a long time!” Evan grinned. “I think I’d come out of there like, a month after you hid me in there.” 

“A month is a long time too.” Connor reminded him. Evan gave the taller a playful shove. 

“Okay, maybe a week? 12 days?”

-

12 days after their closet giggle-fest, Evan came out to Zoe, Jared, Alana, Connor and his mother as bisexual.

This was starting to feel like some sort of shitty fanfiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I’m sorry about the slightly hurried ending but I gotta hurry and get this posted before AO3 goes down in a few hours

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter will be coming soon, I’m already working the opening scene. Hope it’s nice ‘n yummy so far (my art teachers way of speech is rubbing off on me) and you’ve enjoyed! Comments are always appreciated and stay lovely!


End file.
